Saturday, 9 April 2011

How do you F****like Iceland?

This is how a normal salad/lettuce looks like.

How do you F**** like Iceland?

Right now honey...not very much. I am a bit Over Dosing on it. I am getting tired of this country. When i came six years ago, it seemed to be the country of love and honey... or what ever sweet stuff you can eat. Today i have been forced after months, years of struggles, to create the

Union of pissedoffforeignersthatgotfuckingtrickedbyIcelandandwanttheirlifeback.

Dear Iceland, you deceit me. We demand that Iceland.

- You learn to make the difference between a tomato ready for consumption and one that should hang on the tomato tree a bit longer, because when it is still that green it is not good to eat.

- Check the living status of vegetable. Not that we love surprises when we put our hands in vegetables boxes to pick green tomatoes...but sometimes...when it is gone that green and it is softy and moldy...and start to run after you and want to eat you... it is not good for consumption anymore. We are suppose to be at the other side of the food chain.

- We demand that you let your local Icelandic salad grows more than 5 leaves. I have seen salads in France, and in many other countries, they do not look like the one you are selling unless there has been a heat wave...which is impossible with the shitty cold, windy very snowy winter that you just offered us. Let the fucking salad grow.

- You don´t need to sell me the salad with the pot and ground. It is not a decorative plant. It is food. A salad is something you eat, not something that you display.

- Learn the name of the fucking vegetables. Me as a customer, going to a store, i would like to not have to worry about teaching those kids working behind cash machine what is...a zucchini, an aubergine, or a pumpkin, a passion fruit and even an avocado. (totally did this job when i was younger and i knew at least a 10 vegetables)

- If you don´t want your store staff to be embarrassed, stick to simple vegetable and fruits

- Chicken is meat. Goose is meat. Duck is meat so when i am in a place where i am eating and i don´t have the choice of the menu and one of your national waiter brings me a piece of Chicken or Goose or Duck and i am telling you that i am a Peisco-vegetarian (eat fish, vegetable but not mammal meat) and that i don´t eat that kind of stuff...Please Iceland don´t tell me that this is chicken, this is not meat.

- So learn vegetable names and do not mix them up with things that have feathers. Those are not the same.

- Why does Icelandic gouda taste the same as Icelandic feta who taste the same as Icelandic emmental which taste the same as Icelandic camembert who taste the same as Icelandic maribo which taste the same as Icelandic gouda? One cheese recipe, plenty of wrapping possibilities? Seriously?

- Why do you have to put in my daily newspaper picture of photoshoped meat slices and other meaty product? This is not attractive at all especially when it comes next to the obituary pictures or the freshly borne ones. It makes ones wander.

- Orange…People are not supposed to be orange. I am a geographer, I have dealt with quite a lot of people from all around the world, and no one is naturally orange especially in winter time. Get pale !

- I don´t really like to see that on every street corner the clothes that my grandmother would be wearing if she was still alive. This is ok to be a young hip and cool hipster and go vintage but seriously that leopard blouse you are wearing, with those purple cigarette pants…just don’t do it for you. My grandmother could rock that outfit you can´t. You are in your twenties, you don´t live in the twenties, or in the thirties, or in the fifties, neither in eastern europe during communist time.

- Did I mention that you were orange while wearing this?

- When my nose is full…. I use…a tissue to empty it. I blow my nose and then dispose of the tissue in a trash. I do not catch this nose full opportunity to suck it up my brain and makes animal noises.

- That this is not because on the map it seems that you are on the top of the world that…you are the Top of the world. Be versatile!

- Why does your female representative hide their “most beautiful beauty of the world” under a thick layer of make-up? Is it some kind of technique to prevent their kidnapping during some eventual Viking raid against Iceland? If it is the case, it is working perfectly.

- I have been here for more than 6 years. You do not need to ask me…When are you going home?…Because I am not! I am here to take your job, your money and your potential mate. (already did that last one, pretty proud of it).

- This is because I can answer já to the question Geturðu tala Íslensku ? (Can you speak Icelandic?) that I am fucking an awesome genius in Icelandic and that ég tala svo vel íslensku (I speak so good icelandic). Give a bit more credit, I can also say Nei and takk.

- Your language…Not that hard to learn, 6 years, 1 year of courses, a lot of guessing and voilà.

- Why does everyone has to have the same name? My husband has 3 cousins around his age with the same name and “family” name as him. I had to find him a silly nickname to differentiate him from the other ones.

- Stop to butcher my name. Virgile is not that hard to pronounce when you have volcanoes named eyjafjallajökull. Make an effort, if you can spit eyjafjallajökull you can spit my name.

- Your English…not that good and it comes from French person.

- Hire better translaters for the TV because me the Já guy that speaks so vel Islensku starts to realizes that sometimes your translation it does not really make sense.

- You don´t need to nationalize and literally translate the name of TV and Movie characters. Liz Lemon from 30 rock can´t be Lisa Sitrona, the same goes with Luke Skywalker and ALL the others ones.

- This is not because a star like Jake Gyllenhall (who is right now in Iceland) comes for a visit for once that he is a friend of Iceland. Friendship is not based on one visit.

- When on TV one of your journalist or TV host you present subject about HIV, World hanger, genocide, death….Please try to keep that smile, that joyful tone and those porcelainevenir teeth for your next office party. Serious subject. Serious face.

We are done for now, Iceland you may now go take a long look at yourself in the mirror and do some thinking. Don´t worry We will be back.


President of the Union of the PissedoffforeignersthatgotfuckingtrickedbyIcelandandwanttheirlifeback


Anonymous said...

en principe lorsqu'on deteste autant un pays on le quitte...

Anonymous said...

en principe lorsqu'on deteste autant un pays on le quitte...

Anonymous said...

That's so mean... Just leave Iceland already, I'm sure they're all better without you too.
I've lived there for 8 years and everyone was kind to me (and they speak English well) ; though I admit that some food there aren’t so good at first, but you can find great food too, so stop exaggerating, there's no reason to get so frustrated over it… You're just like a spoiled kid.
Besides, you can't hate a whole country just because of some food, or other trivial things like that, c'mon. Nobody is perfect you know, even if you think you are! And you can't continue to live in a country you hate so much, you must be really stupid to do so. Well never mind, it seems no country in the world could satisfy you after all!
I can understand that you want to tell your opinion, everyone can’t love Iceland as many do, but when you say “I want to take their job, money, etc...” you're going really too far. I'm not even sorry to call you a complete idiot. I've been to France for my studies and it's not perfect either! Do I hate France because of all the strikes, delinquents, dirty streets, and expensive food/flats/clothes/etc.? And I could go on, but I’m not, because I’m not narrow minded like you, I know France have many good points too. And fortunately, the majority of French people I met there aren't like you! Grow up.
And if so many people think Iceland is a wonderful country, maybe it’s because it IS indeed a wonderful place to live or just to spend holidays, don’t you think? Of course some people don’t like Iceland, like other places, but no need to get so aggressive about it, mostly when it’s about complaining over such matters.
It must be very sad to think like you, the whole world must be really annoying! Maybe you could just try to focus on the good points of Iceland/other countries instead of the bad ones (well, at least for you!).

Anonymous said...

Brilliant rant! I'm married to an Icelander, lived there for many years and finally we moved away :-D There were so many little things that went on my nerves besides darkness and shitty weather, like unprofessional working attitude, bored teenagers in Húsasmiðjan with the hands in their pockets and not a clue at all, events like June 17th as kindergarten festivals with hoppukastali as the main attraction... And somehow an endless naivete mixed with silly national pride - you may call it "isolated island stupidity"; at least you can see a difference between those Icelanders who have lived abroad for a while and those who haven't. Nope, Iceland definitely doesn't deserve its overinflated "good reputation". In many ways it's a cultural developing country :-P