Monday, 16 August 2010
Iceland is fucking gay. PERIOD
Few weeks ago, I was bitterly guiding while everyone is gay partying in Reykjavík. Yes people this was gay pride time and I was once again guiding.
Iceland is a fucking gay place if not the gayest place on earth. I don't understand why the Westboro church has not put Iceland on its hate list yet. What are they waiting to organize protest and stands screaming how fast Iceland is rushing its way to hell.
I am telling you: gays and lessies are dragging Iceland straight to Hell: gay marriage, a carpet muncher as Prime minister and me (though I might crossing the straight line as one my ex-tourist accused me few weeks ago to have seduced his wife during their trip in Iceland. Yes, I am a very devious guide) A small Google image search will give you a small glimpse of the local gay life. Yes! This is all about Iceland's prime minister Jóhanna Sigurðarsdóttir.
Anti-gay conspiracists might have been right: There is a gay agenda: To turn every country into fabulous countries. (Kreppa Chic style in the case of Iceland)
This is, this period of the year where I am guiding like there is no tomorrow. Pimping Iceland.
I am now guiding on the south coast of Iceland and during the past few weeks I have never seen that many gay couple touristing around. Butchy lessies, butchy gay and rainbow gay families with multicolour childrens. Is there any straight people left here? I even have 2 pintades in my current group…
Like every year, the Gay Pride week-end turned a national holiday. I think that somehow gay pride has lost its sense in Iceland. Too many rights killed the Pride. This is getting too easy. We can get married. 15 years old teens are coming out of the closet on national TV while their dads sit next to them and support them. What has happened to the world? Lessies are getting pregnant faster than bunnies and gays will soon probably have access to surrogates.
I seriously start to miss the time where in Iceland, gay people were shanghaied to Denmark as soon as they diagnosed with homosexuality. Even if this is nice to be walking around everywhere hand in hand with the hubby, I kind of miss sometimes the bonheur of being insulted/humiliated/beaten in a street. I want to feel subversive, socially dangerous. When can I be a moral threat to society again?
I got gay married last year. Even if the law about full marriage equality was not yet voted, I still had a big gay fat wedding. I was actually married but under a special homosexual regime. This regime has been merged to the one of the heterosexuals. Equality for all !
I have very rarely heard negative comments about my kind here in Iceland. No one in my hubby families made "funny" faces when we announced we were going to tie the knot. They were very nice to us. (Though some of his far away relatives asked me when I was moving back to France during the party, but that has nothing to do with the fact I was gay. They often ask me this and usually vote for the Independence Party J).
The general population is very gay friendly in Iceland. On Gay pride day, my current very good and friendly bus driver (That's a first: a bus driver I like. I guess I am not that dead inside after all) told me yesterday over dinner that he was a great supporter of the gay cause but, he does not supports clown. I would have to agree with him. Clowns should be shanghaied to Denmark.
What he meant by clown was all those of my kind that like to dressed up in flashy outfits and fab around. They might have found a new leader the Mayor of Reykjavík who showed up at the opening ceremony of the gay pride in drag and was first in the parade still dressed as a woman. I am telling you: Hell: We are queer. We are heading there.
I have nothing against drags or arty flaming gay people ( though Iceland is mass producing them). I am just sometime tired of having them on the cover of the gay pride magazine, on TV, TV shows or in all kind of new papers. I think that would be a great victory to have a mainstream gay couple on the cover of the gay pride magazine would be a great victory. Yes I know, make up sells better.
As this is gay pride month, here are few highlights on the local gay life.
To make things easier, I am going to present it as a Kingdom/ Queendom.
First, let me introduce her highness the Empress/Kaiser/Goddess/Queen of the whole local gay world: her super highness Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir. Iceland's Prime Minister. She is originally a stewardess (no this is NOT the plot for a X rated movie).
Last year one of my tourist though she was hot. He was sixty something and asked me if I know of any "hot" picture of Jóhanna and her wife…Thanks for the images in my head. Jóhanna thus became a PMILF !!!
She married her partenaire few weeks ago just after the law about full marriage equality passed. She was actually the first one of doing so. Her wife is a journalist / writer. What I like is that she is very discreet about her private life. She mainstreams well but. I can´t wait for an official visit from abroad with spouses exhibitions. That should be fun.
Her best lesbian quote: "my time will come" everyone thought she was talking about her political career, we know today she was just advocating her lesbian agenda.
Here is a picture of her. You can see how the light shine on her.
She is Holy!
Knee in front of her.
Her court is populated of fabulous royalties. There is also some other gayies and lessies in the parliament but they do not belong in this post.
Holy music gay Icons/stars/knights/wrecks have a special place within Iceland gay kingdom.
First, the Queen of "fucking everything" Gayiceland. (Yes you also are supposed to knee on front of him): Pall Oscar, former Eurovision contestant from 1997, Eurovision Queen and fabuuuuuuuuuuuuuulous artist, and probably the last and only DJ on earth to still play remix of Whitney Houston when it is not even midnight yet. He has been around for ages. He is loved by infants in Iceland. He is shiny and colourful. He has release a best of last year. In the best of booklet was a picture of him wearing a leather jackets and only a pair of chaps… He is loved by infants. He is actually a good singer.
Here is a small video of him from the 1997 Eurovision song contest and one of his latest song
I know, very subversive for 1997...
Allt fyrir ástina is one of his last song. It has been a big hit in Iceland.
He gave birth to several "artists" including Haffi Haff. Yes, Palli reproduces. If Palli is the Queen, Haffi haff is probably the crown prince. They have been hanging around a lot lately. Few months ago in Iceland's unique gossip magazine Seyð og Heyrt (seen and heard) it appeared that him and Páll Óscar have had the same silicon lip job. Coincidence ? I do not think so.
Haffi tried once to go to Eurovision but the sheep were not ready to send him to the free world and they voted him out of the national contest. In his defence he did had some serious competitors such as Merzedes Club
Yes I know your ears are bleeding now.
Here is a picture of Haffi
Haffi Haff has been out, as an artist… for a couple of years. I personally think that listening to him is a human right violation but yet I am a happy malcontent and I am not an artist. Fun facts: he confessed that he was in indeed fan of Lady gaga. Who would have guessed? He also likes to surprise/shock the public telling that YES HE IS A HOMOoooooSEXUAL. Who would have guessed? The countryside nicelanders love him. He is all time on tour in some far away countryside town /barn. He recently fired his manager for not supporting Haffi's will to start an international career… Haffi Haff has to yet understand that what happens in the barn…stays in the barn.
Here is "Jealousy". (no, he is not copying anyone)
Now your ears are haemorrhaging. I know.
There is also Fríðrik Ómar. Knight of gayiceland.
I think he is the Holy knight of fag hags. (and god knows there are a lot of them in Iceland). He is from the north of Iceland. Few years agao, I lived for a couple of month in the town next to the town where he is from. While picking a pizza in the local bar, I heard few clients talking about the new and "only" gays in in the village, a.k.a me and Hubby G. They were glad that we were good normal gay people. They said that we were not like Fríðrik Ómar. I have never been so proud in my life. Fríðrik can actually sings. He knows also how to put too much make-up. This year, he inherited of the Gay Pride anthem. Yes there is a gay pride anthem in Iceland. Do I need to remind you that we have a lesbian as Prime minister. What did you expect?
Fun fact: Here is his performance during Eurovision in 2008. At this time he was in a band name Eurobandið along with his fag hag.
Last but not least Daníel Óliver. Daniel has yet to prove his value to the great homosexual kingdom of Gayiceland. Daníel is fresh and new. He has yet to be touched by grace but has everything that one needs to become a gay royalty: a wind machine, some hairs and some stylish tape outfits. I actually give him a good gay behaviour points for not shaving his armpits.
He recently released a song called Dr.Love… where he does not hide his feelings for his kind. I think he should be the mystic of the gay court. He has special power: He turns straight people into vampires…euh….gays. even if he is powerfull. He has yet to understand that until he will not start to shine until he begins to wear shiny colourful outfits like his fellows gay artists above. I give him a good point for a "sensitive use of a wind machine". He is sure on his way to Eurovision.
Here is the Dr.Love music video.
Yes I know, now you are deaf.
Around this musical court evolve an incredible amount of fag hags. Too many of them. Iceland is mass producing them. I actually hate Icelandic faghag (i have a very good danish one). Especially the young and inexperienced one. The rare few times I have partying been in Barbara, Reykjavík's only official gay bar, I all time met some young faghag asking me if I was gay. Usually when I answered them yes, they screamed their happiness to have find a true gay person… I usually run away.
There is worse than young Icelandic faghags. Old gayless faghag. Those are the worst. This is usually girls that who do not have found their fag and have more or less gave up on finding one but still hang out in gay places and parties in the hope that maybe one day, some gay soul… Old-fag-less-hags usually drink their misery and end up wandering around the place…stepping with their high heels on everyone else tows.
You know why Iceland is a fucking gay place. I actually starting to think that we might not be in presence of a gay kingdom but an army. An army of fabulous soldiers ready to fight and the more I look around me, the more I listen to their soldiers'songs the more I think that they are plotting a gay outvasion…
Beware. You have been warned.
Monday, 12 July 2010
People romanticize the guiding life, like they do with trolley trotters serving coffee on airplanes. Ok we go to many MERVEILLEUSES places but there is some serious downsides. I have so often to some boring places....
I am not even going to start to talk about Gullfoss.
I was borderline to add my name to the list of the many dangers you might encounter in Iceland.
Guiding has also many good sides. Yesterday i climbed a very nice volcano, Askja. I bathed in one of its crater. It was simply amazing. As a guide, i have notice that you can also let free your passive agressivity. People love it. This is one very good side of guiding.
Posted by Virgile at 22:07
Sunday, 30 May 2010
I am apparently not getting the current Besta Flokkurinn "jokes". I guess i must do some kind of "nafla skoðum" [umbilical review] as the local nicelanders would say.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
Strange times, inhabitants of Iceland, including me, are experiencing. Tomorrow is supposed to be a big day....Final of the Eurovision. Yes, Iceland made through the semi-finals so Eurovision party tomorrow evening with the hope to win this contest crowning fabulousness/tackiness/gayness...ég bíð spenntur....comme dirait l'autre.
The runner is year is Hera Björk…Femme Troll/Volcan. She has been around for a long time, she tried to make is at a singer in Iceland…with questionable results. She has mainly been many times as a back singer for other locals Eurovision contestants, and took part as a contestant for the pre Eurovision contest in Denmark last year where she ended in second place. She is what one might call a Eurovision whore…We all are…At least in Iceland (so no shame here). She is also known for having been in the past the spoke person for Pizza Hut and has had her own "five minutes of fame" moment in the infamous black/truth report on the economy crash of Iceland where someone in the report stated "the economy of Iceland swell like Hera Björk at Pizza Hut lunch buffet". Ouch.
Apparently everything has to be about children, their well-being, their happiness, their health, their future and even the colour of their poop…EVERYTHING about those little screaming things….I came to the conclusion that Reykjavík is a fucking city for:
- Single people willing to have fun. (Reykjavík is actually a great town to do this)
- People with kids – they call them family – many kids….too many kids
If you don't belong to one of the previous categories you are basically screwed. Personally, I am unfortunately happily married and have 2 adorable cats, including one 7 months kitten…but that does not count as children and the local kindergarten does not accept kittens so I am basically an outcast… I am not election ingredient but, the delightful people of the National Registry and the Foreigner Office have found a solution for me. They "forget" to put my name on the voting list, considering that the period I lived in Reykjavík between 2004 and 2007 was not REAL even if i paid taxes, and had several consecutive appartments. I must have been in some kind of parallel reality like the people in LOST, or something similar. Should I start to be scared of the smoke monster?
This year the "classical" parties are running and few minor ones that have absolutely no chances to have a seat in the city council. Sad but true. There is also a scarry New one…
To be frank, she pisses me off, or as I would say in French: "elle me court sur le haricot" [she is running on my bean a.k.a she is getting on my nerves]. I am not even going to start to talk about the people who are on her list as they are ALL extremely unbearable. To sum up, before they get my vote they need:
- To get a small reality check. This is not 2007 anymore
- To realize that we do not live in the Carebears world
- To come out of the closet ASAP
- To tell the voters where can we buy the same shampoo.
- To get a minimum political education/culture.
(this is an exhaustive list. Candidates may choose a several possibilities)
Then there is Dagur…Ah Dagur Oh Dagur….leader of the Socio-democrat list. (They are currently in government). Outsiders (Yes there is a world outside Iceland) must know that Dagur
- He has curls.
- Fabulous curls.
- Flat feet.
- Is a Doctor.
- Did I say he has fabulous curly hair?
- That no one in this year Eurovision contest looks like him. He is therefore unique.Here is a picture of the fabulous curls in the wind(i know it is the season, but no wind machine has been used for this shot)
To be honest, I am supporting them. I do think that they have the most clear and structured program even if I am not totally agreeing at 100% with them. I am also sad to see that they only have a local vision of things even if "Dagur the fabulous curly hair", came with some idea from abroad. One the national scale, they have a credible international platform. They should have it for Reykjavík too.
Then there is the Left Greens. I frankly do not understand them. Their leader Sóley scares me a bit. She is obsessed with children and if we were in a Simpson episode she would be Helen Lovejoy.
(if you watch this video a couple of time in a row, it will make you feel like to personally experienced the whole political campain. Enjoy)
They are also other minor lists…which did not have anything noticeable…and then there is…the List for Besta Flokkurinn….the best party. tatataatatat
Besta Flokkurinn is a political UFO. Don't really know where they come from, and most important where they are going. I don't think they know themselves…
They are led by Jón Gnarr a famous and extremely popular Icelandic stand-up comedian/comic. Most of the people on the list are hip & cool 101ish (ex)artists. [101 is the downtown district]
This is Jón Gnarr and his dog.
(please notice the WTF look on the dog face)
I am kind of terrified of what is going to happen tomorrow when the voting boothes will close because so far the Best Party, as they call themselves is the biggest party in town, according to the polls. Polls are not all time right. i do hope.
The Best Party have absolutely no platforms…only very unclear ideas…and nothing concrete except making Reykjavik a brighter and more fun city. They want to have a polar bear in the Reykjavík (and turn it officially into an animal prison; no on my watch) and have all kind of stuff for Idiots…No comments.
These are honourable causes one might say, especially the idiots part… there is a lot of those around lately. Many people pointed out the affairs of a city are a serious things. Tonight, during the last political debate between the candidates Jón Gnarr was asked what he wants to do to boost job opportunities in Reykjavík. He suggested that the city of Reykjavík should use some of its housing as a jail for white collars. Exactly what people want to hear right now. Someone needs some kind of sensitivity training.
Populist Jón Gnarr? I do think so. There is all this stuff going on lately about arresting the white collar people responsible for the economic failure of the country. Some of them have spent already some time in jail for investigation matters. Jón Gnarr certainly knows what the crowd wants to hear RIGHT NOW… but just as a small notice for him, prisons are a state matter not a local one and the Minister of Justice has already explained that was not a possibility to do this due to financial and practical reasons.
Everyone though that they will withdraw their candidature before the Election Day. It has not been the case. They are NOT joking. I think people are going to have a serious reality check on Monday if they get elected. Reykjavík will have a serious hangover for the next couple of years. I have nothing against new people in politic but not them.
His supporters have started to paint him as the Icelandic Obama....
Afsakið meðan ég æli! [Sorry while i puke]
They claim themselve to be revolutionary. I see nothing new there, just a new "distracting" packaging. NOTHING NEW
For me he just seems to be a demented power craving person. I don't think we need a another one like this in Iceland, if you know what I mean.
Voters might to have a massive hangover for the next 4 years….and as someone commented tonight "Reykvíkingar myndu kjósa sauðkind, væri hún markaðsett á sama hátt og Jón Gnarr" (Inhabitants of Reykjavík would vote for a sheep if it was market in the same way as Jón Gnarr). No comments.
In any case, I don't know who is the angry mob of the day.
The voters who are willing to vote for anything / anyone that comes up or to see that people haven't learnt anything from this motherfucking putain de bordel de merde economic crisis?
Maybe this is just me simply me who is on the edge of a nervous breakdown a la American Psycho? (an Icelandic version of course, with ashes.. a lot of them)
The good thing is that Icelanders still amaze me.
Wednesday, 31 March 2010
Plenty of things have happened in Iceland since my last post…in September 2009. The important thing that you have to know is that he Kreppa (Crisis) monster is still rambling the streets of Reykjavík leaving behind itself load of "victims".
I want to talk about food in Iceland and particularly Easter.
Food in Iceland is crap. This is simple clear and the naked truth. The food for sell in stores is bad quality and you have to search really for good products. By good I mean not rotten, not out of date and with production origin information. I am highly suspicious of stickers on some jars saying "cherries from somewhere". I don't know why. This is not appealing to me.
Easter time is interesting in Iceland because I think that Easter eggs are representing everything that wrong with food in Iceland.
Back in France, Easter happens the following way: You go to bed and when you wake up, you discover that the bells that came directly from Rome, have put in your own tree in your garden (or your very own ficus in your apartment's living room) candies and small gifts. In most of the case, you have to climb the tree to get the candies. The bells coming to my home were very much adept of the top of the tree and I had to take a lot of risk. Don't know why.
I can still see myself in pyjama's jumping around my tree trying to get the candies, climbing the branches, risking my life just in order to get candies.
It has it pros and cons. In one hand, you freeze your ass and there is a great chance that you will injure yourself at some point by falling from the tree or breaking a branch, but on the other hand you get some exercise and you feel you really deserve candies.
Here in Iceland, no such things. In most cases You get one egg, just one "chocolate" egg. Some very people get lucky and get several. No need to hunt then outside or climb trees. What does matter in Iceland is the size of the eggs. Yes, in this case (like in most of the cases) size does matter. It starts at number 2, which is according to some is really humiliating. Size 10 is the biggest… I have heard some stories about a size 14…but I think this is a urban myth.
When it comes to candy and especially Easter eggs, Icelanders are size queens. They like it big. The bigger the better. Personally would say…the bigger the sooner type II diabetic… but that just my personal opinion. Those eggs are not good. They are just full of sugar. I bet there is less than 2% of chocolate and the rest is just msg and other crappy stuff. My issue with Easter eggs in Iceland is that they are really bad. They taste bad, they are bad quality chocolate. They cost a lot and looking at the ingredients list raises some serious question. I have already warned my favourite person that I will not accept typical Icelandic Easter Eggs. I pointed out to him a bakery where they sell real eggs made of real chocolate. He knows what to do.
Yet Icelanders take their Easter eggs very seriously. I recently read in the news "some tragic stories"of Icelanders sending Easter eggs abroad to relatives (to Denmark mainly). The eggs got broken on the way and the people who send it were quite dramatic about it. They accused the custom and the post office in Denmark of badly handling their precious eggs.
I think this is ridiculous. First who would send such eggs to someone? They are not good and this is just cruel. I would send those to my worst enemy. What I think is more cruel, is that sending it to Denmark where I am sure they have plenty of good chocolate appointed by her Magesty the Queen. Grandparents were outraged by the fact that their grandchildren received broken eggs. Few years ago I would have felt bad for them. Now that every package that has been send to me here in Iceland have been opened and checked, that chocolate have been taken away for some stupid reason…(a.k.a the custom workers wanted some) I do not feel bad for these people. (yeah, I know I have no heart and I am being mean). This is justified bad karma. In any case the chocolate will still be eaten…
In any case, I wish all a happy Easter and may you not receive one of these awful Icelandic Easter eggs and if someone gives you one…well good luck
Posted by Virgile at 18:22