Wednesday, 23 March 2011

The kitty plague of Iceland.

A vicious Icelandic viking kitty.

It has been a long time people. It has been a very long time since i posted something last summer i think, when i was (rightfully) whining about the new mayor/clown in chief of Reykjavík. History has shown that i was right. It did not took long J Anyway. No wait, i posted a stuff about gay Iceland? Today´s blog is dedicated to pussies.

People, while you read these lines, you should know that vicious cats are taking over Iceland. Yes, you read well: CATS. One might think that Icelanders should be worried about Icesave and the future of their children, bearing the burden of....blablabla mewwww mewwww....

Cats! People. CATS! They are taking over Iceland. The whole country will be soon dominated by an army of purring fur balls longing for petting sessions. The Kitty Plague is rambling the country. Think 28 days later VS Hello Kitty.

This is under the attack of cats, that I am writing theses lines. They may be my last.

Icelanders have a fucked relationship with their pet. For many years, dog were simply forbidden in Reykjavík. No one really knows why. If you live in a complex building, you have to ask the authorization of all the residents/owners within the building.If one does not want your pet, you cannot get it. If you don´t respect, the dog or cat police will come and take away your favourite pet and punish it. I am not kidding. Keep reading.

I live for example on the 5th floor of a complex building composed of 25 apartments. The laws of the building strictly stipulate that this is “officially” forbidden to own any kind of pet, without the consent of all the apartment owners. The laws from my building have been made before my birth (almost 30 years ago). Today, there are many pets in the building, despite the law (many cats). Residents live in total deny, THE National Sport in Iceland. The house meetings are extremely funny. Anyway, let´s go back to Iceland HATE for pet. The funny thing is that the argument is based on allergies. Ok fair enough, but for example, I am allergic to alcohol, maybe I should ask my neighbours to stop to hit the bottles while at their home, use perfumes, or any product that do contain alcohol, such as shampoos, creams, anything containing vinegars…etc. Fun isn´t it?

So inhabitants of Reykjavík were once forbidden to own pet. Today the situation got better, especially for dog and dog owner. Nevertheless, the situation for cats did not get better. We can all be glad of that. That is why, when one take a stroll down town Reykjavík, he will be surprised to meet on his way numerous cats, known as the slutty cats of 101 (the area code of this part of the city). Why slutty? Because they know that sex sells, and if they totally play the “I am a the Maria Magdalena of all pussies card”, you will be tempted to pet them. They will purr, they might even follow you a bit, but all this is just a stratagem to to charm you and exterminate you.

A cat and a polar bear down town Reykjavik ready to attack.

During last few months, several municipalities around Iceland have taken measure preventing the vicious invasion and taking over of Iceland by cats. First, Kópavogur, a charming, popular and not at all corrupted city situated in one the lovely suburbs of Reykjavík had to take drastic measure to fight its cat problems. I mean, cats were taking over the town. They were wandering around, chasing bird, crossing streets and even sometimes, gardens. Some people got mewed, one woman got her hand scratched and someone had a cat sneaking into his home at night. Vicious creatures! What might seem to be a normal behaviour by crazy cat ladies around the world (and me). Seem to be for inhabitants of Kópavogur a plot for taking over their town and the whole country. As a good soldier and all time prepared to defend Iceland, the town took extreme measures. They declared that all shall wear necklaces and be identifiable. If traitors /read cat owners failed to fulfil those requirements and if their hypothetic cat is being caught walking around without the necklace around its neck, the animal will be immediately arrested, and can be sentence to up to five days in the cat jail. The animal will be release to its owner after the sentence. The people of Kópavogur had no choices. They had to take actions. They even created 2 jobs for that. The cat police. I can´t even start to imagine the strategies cats have to develop to keep their vicious businesses running and escape the men in uniforms. Mewwww

In Hafnafjörður, also another lovely town in the suburbs of Reykjavík, residents of a nursing home situated 1) in the middle of a lava field 2) in the outskirt of town 3) close to a hjali (a a wooden structure used to dry fish) have been forbidden to feed the surrounding cats. They are mainly attracted by the hjali, but sometimes, they come to the old people nursing home and ask to be fed or even worst….pet. All this vicious purring makes one sick !

So it is now illegal to feed the “lava fied cats”. The town authorities and the director of the nursing home have even threaten to expelled the residents if they were not respecting the ban. They certainly hope that the unfed cats will just run disappear. My experience with cats tells me that 1) cats will get hungry, 2) they will eat the old people and feast in their remains. This how cats deal that kind situation. Mewwwww

In the north of the country, the town of Akureyri; known to be the second biggest town of Iceland, outside the capital area. A town that you should definitively visit if you have nothing to do at all and want to make a cure/detox based on the consumption of bad coffee and béarnaise sauce (N.B. they are usually served together. Do not ask why). Anyway. The town decided that inhabitants of the town, should first of all limit themselves to 3 cats per household (you can own as many other pets you want), that all the cats should be tagged and wear a necklace (fair enough). In addition to that, people will have to pay a yearly fee (6000 isk / 6000 in monkey money / 40 euros / 52 dollars) for each cat one owns. 18 000 isk a year if you have 3 cats; knowing that a cat can live more than 20 years, that is a lot of money. These cats better be the Roll-Royce of purring.

Those are only 3 example of the Kitty plague who is striking Iceland. While, we inhabitants of Iceland, are comfortably seating in our living room, worrying over the horrific state of the world, the fact that Iceland is being bullied by the whole universe and beyond, by the fact that the oil prices are going up because those Libyans do want more democracy. Cats are slowly taking over the country. They are vicious purring fur balls, looking for ways to wipe Icelanders out of the face of the Earth. They purr, they hiss, they mew and sometimes scratch.

People Beware! Run for the hills.

Mewwww Mewwww

Seriously. Why do Icelanders hate pet? Well my theory is that Icelanders hate pet like they hate ornamental flowers. Explaination: When the Althing, the current parliament building of Iceland was built at the end of the 19th century, a garden was created at the back of the building. In this garden, were planted tuilips and ornamental flowers. When that happened for the first time, Newspapers, journalists and people went mad about it. They were protesting the fact that had been planted non edible plants. Those plants were then useless and what was left of it have been destroyed. At that time, some sheep were running freely around Reykjavik. They started the job, humans finished it. Anyway, my point being that those plants got destroyed because they had no productive goal. They were just ornamentals thus useless. I think Icelanders have the same relationship with pets and especially with cats. They don´t see the point in them because you can´t eat them. Though Icelanders do eat weird stuff like subways boats, dominos pizzas and KFC chickens. Anyway, that is why I think they don´t like cat.

I love cats. I have had many when I was a kid, up to 5 if I remember right. That probably makes me a traitor in Iceland. ( just add it to my Icelandic treasons ‘list). I have been infected by the kitty plague.

This is getting late, and this is time for me to go to bed. Before that, I will have to obey to my 7 year old cat, May, who force me to let her (I humanize her a lot) drink water from the bathtub tap. I will also have to deal with the malicious attacks of Jóga, my 1 year old kitty who thinks that my toes are cocktail sausages waiting to be eaten (though she might be right). If I survive, they will fall asleep between my leg, purring, making sure than I cannot run away. If I make it through the night, around 7ish, Jóga will viciously sneak her paws under the cover, at different strategic spots (cocktail sausage, knees, ribs) to check if I am dead or not. If I am still alive, she will then go back to sleep.

Mewwwwww Mewwwww

Terror starts at home.



Mandrill said...

I, for one, welcome our new feline overlords. Better cats than rats.

Amelia Ray said...

I love the description of the retirement home. Doesn't the smell of the fish bother them?

Amelia Ray

Virgile said...

@Amelia. i don t think so. will tell you when i will be moved over there